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Reliance on the self develops only if we as parents let it and encourage it. To that extent being a “helicopter” or over involved parent is not helpful. It is a balance. Technology has given parents a view into their child’s lives in ways they could not see before. As a result the boundaries become blurred and we as parents can get pulled right back into that role of doing and fixing. Technology does complicate the “letting go” process.

Maybe we need to see ourselves more like the folks in the air traffic controller office. Our goal should be to monitor and to guide but not to drive the plane for our child. Sometimes they will have a bumpy landing but that is part of the learning and growing process.

There are times when you should encourage your child to confront another child on something that they did to them. There are other times when you need to encourage your child to walk away and find new friends. Part of the problem is parents. We get stuck thinking “how dare he or she do that to my child” instead of focusing on how that child may not be such a good friend to have. So what if the child only has one or two good friends. That is still better than a large group of friends that are nice only when they feel like it. Sometimes we have to help our children let go of old friendships. As children move through adolescence they change and are not quite the people they used to be. They are still searching and along that path may not be as kind as they once were. They may want to “try out” new friends. This is part of the developmental process and we have to let it happen. If our own child is the one not being kind it is our job to step in and confront them and then let them experience the consequences of not being kind. If our child is the one being hurt we need to listen, and think before we act. Then we need to ask our child what THEY want to do about it.

Immediately calling another parent can backfire if that parent decides to talk about the issue in front of their own child and other friends. It can lead to more gossip, backstabbing, and hurt feelings. Let children work things out themselves with our support and our guidance. If a problem continues it may be useful to let a school counselor or other administrator know about the situation. IF you choose this route discuss it first with your child. They may ask you not to and then you have the option of encouraging your child to seek out support at school. This scenario allows your child to feel more in control of a difficult situation.

If we solve all of our children’s problems for them they never experience being able to do it on their own and will not have any confidence that they can do so.

Dr. Agatston is the author of numerous articles on social media and co-author of the book Cyber Bullying: Bullying in the Digital Age with  Robin Kowalski, Ph.D. and Susan Limber, Ph.D. She is also the co-author of the Cyber Bullying Curriculum for Grades 6-12 and the Cyber Bullying Prevention curriculum for Grades 3-5. She is a certified trainer and technical assistance consultant for the Olweus Bullying Prevention Program. She has appeared on CNN as well as other local and national radio and television programs to discuss cyber bullying and other online risky behaviors of our youth culture. She has presented nationally and internationally on cyber bullying and served on the CDC’s Expert Panel on Electronic Media and Youth Violence.

You can follow Dr. Agatston on twitter @pattiagatston

Keep the conversation open. Listen to what your tween or teen is saying but be firm about what is acceptable and educate them about the lasting effects of the digital footprint. Let them be the experts in telling you about sites that are out there such as Tumblr and Formspring but then you have to be the parents and open their eyes to see beyond what they want to see and hear. It is not enough to just take your child off a site because in many instances they will simply open an account under a different or assumed name. We need to guide our children to be informed and responsible users in the digital world.

We cannot protect our children from everything, and learning to deal with adversity will help promote a sense of confidence in our children. Our job is to help foster a sense of confidence in our children that they CAN deal with adversity. As stated by Dr. Cynthia Erdley, “Children who adopt pro-social development goals seem to be well-prepared to deal adaptively with the challenges they are likely to experience”. The value of helping kids learn to “work on relationships” is priceless and the benefits are endless.

Building moral character is an ongoing process.

We as parents cannot take a “day off”. Nearly every teen in America is on the  internet socializing every day. They socialize with friends and strangers. Research indicates that about 70% of teens are willing to “friend” a stranger online. Kids today live their lives online and on the phone. It is our duty as mentors to play a role in teaching appropriate use of technology.  Everyday acts of cruelty exist in the digital world and have become acceptable ways of interacting with others. Often this occurs anonymously and kids are left wondering who launched the attack. IM, photo tag, tweet, text and wall posts are how this generation communicates both positively and negatively.

We would not give our child a car and tell them to drive it without first teaching them how. We would give them more than one lesson and provide ongoing supervision over a long period of time. Giving our kids access to the digital world without ongoing mentoring and supervision can be just as dangerous as letting them drive without training. Parents need to take responsibility to monitor their children in the digital world. This is not a onetime event but instead an ongoing process of teaching safety and teaching empathy. Encourage your children to work out conflicts in person rather than online. Encourage them to talk with friends and you the parent instead of posting all their feelings to the world. Help them explore how to distinguish what is funny versus what is cruel and or wrong. For this to happen you have to help them explore how it would feel to be in the other person’s shoes. Teach and role model responsibility in our digital world.

-Dr Kelli Bynum

Social Media is the #1 way people spend time online.

It can be fun, it can be a way to stay in touch with family and friends who live far away. It keeps kids informed about what their friends and others are doing. Research indicates that the most people use the social media brand Facebook.

Facts:

• Facebook has more than 500 million registered users (Facebook, 2010). If it were a country, it would have the third largest population in the world.
• 73% of 12- to 17-year olds have at least one social networking profile (Pew, 2010).
• 22% of teens check social networks 10 or more times per day (Common Sense Media, 2009).
• 54% of teens have joined an online community or social network group in support of a cause they care about (Common Sense Media, 2009).
• 48% of Facebook-using parents with kids under 18 are “friends” with their teens on Facebook (Retrevo, 2010).
• More than 30 billion pieces of content (web links, news stories, blog posts, notes, photo albums, etc.) are shared on Facebook each month (Facebook, 2010).

It is here to stay. It is a powerful tool. Stay informed and learn the facts. Explore it with your children.

-Dr Kelli Bynum