Parenting

Even if you have not purchased the book or read it yet there are many things to take away from a discussion on “The Parents We Mean to Be.”

Tom Lickona, author of “Character Matters” states it like this…” we have no higher calling as parents than to help our children grow into human beings who care deeply about the welfare of others”. Are we as parents willing to look at how we can promote this in our children? Can we embrace this challenge through honest self-reflection? Can we make the changes in our behavior we need to make?

The first two offerings of parents university are designed to help us explore and share with other parents as we learn about the importance of moral mentoring and the growth and development of moral motivation.

So what exactly does moral mentoring mean and what does it look like? As parents we are intended to be mentors or guides in our children’s lives. We are called to partner with their teachers, coaches and other parents to help shape their development. Basic moral values such as honesty, respect and responsibility can be hard to achieve. It is easy to blame both peer culture and the media for the shortcomings of today’s youth. While these factors certainly play a role, the primary influence still has to be the parents. The parent child relationship is central to the development of qualities such as kindness, honesty, respect, loyalty, and generosity. We as parents need to be comfortable setting limits with our children. At times setting limits is difficult and downright unpleasant, and it may get in the way of other goals we as parents have for our children such as happiness and academic achievement. We have to be comfortable not always being the “friend”. We cannot always be liked by our children. Being the authority figure is necessary in the process of mentoring. We will not do long term psychological damage to our children if they are not constantly entertained, constantly happy, and constantly the center of our attention.

Moral development is a lifelong process, not a one shot deal. As such we may take steps forward and then steps backward with the goal being that we are honest in our self-reflection, learn from our mistakes and move forward again. We need to remind ourselves that imperfections and mistakes are part of being human. The “trick” in the words of John Rosemond is “effective management” with the goal being movement toward responsible decision making. According to Richard Weissbourd, “appreciation brakes destructive impulses” and the challenge for us is to help instill appreciation in our children. Research shows that children know right from wrong at a very young age but often choose not to follow the right path. It is here that the challenge becomes, as Weissbourd puts it, to develop a strong sense of self that “can withstand adversity in the service of moral goals.”

-Dr Kelli Bynum